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My brother has health problems and I sometimes go with him to doctor’s appointments. He keeps telling doctors things like, “My dad had heart problems. » I have a lot of trouble not saying anything. What worries me is that doctors might miss something if they rely on family history. I really think my brother needs to know.
Our mother is also in poor health and I anticipate losing her within the next year. Should I wait until she comes by to tell her? Should I never tell him?
Uncertain: You don’t say how you know that you and your brother have different biological fathers – other than the fact that you don’t feel connected to him. I assume your brother has not had genetic testing. Maybe your mother provided some details that you haven’t included here, but if she and your father used IVF to conceive you both, you should consider the possibility that they used the same male donor for both designs. If so, you and your brother would share DNA on both sides of the family.
Your mother seems to have resisted this revelation, and even though she says she doesn’t want anyone to know, you know it, and your brother should know it too. He has the human right to know his own DNA. He also has health issues, for which knowing his parentage could make a significant difference.
You should have a serious talk with your mother. Thank her for working so hard to bring you into the world and for confirming this information for you. Tell him that your brother has the right to know his DNA and offer to tell him alone or alongside him. Give him a choice: “I’ll tell him, or I’ll be there with you when you tell him.” I will help you write him a letter or call you to support you. But we have to tell him.
Dear Amy: My fiancé and I are planning our destination wedding this summer. We have a small guest list and have developed our plans being very aware of the costs incurred by our guests and the substantial commitment it takes to attend a destination wedding. My mom is pretty wonderful and while a destination wedding isn’t her first choice for us, she’s a good sport. She and my father would prefer that we have a more traditional wedding in our hometown.
Recently, however, my mother began advocating that we include an old friend of hers who knows our wedding destination and has expressed excitement about attending. I met this woman (not my fiancé), but I don’t want to invite this extra person. When I told my mother about it, she offered to pay for her friend’s trip.
I feel obligated to accept this. What do you think we should do?
Clumsy : First, you should ask your mother why she is so excited about doing this. She may be responding to pressure from her friend. And then you and your fiancé should think about this (together) and reject the whole idea, unless you really want it there, which I don’t think so.
Dear Amy: I disagree with your answer to “Only the Messenger», a hairdresser who saw the photo of her client’s husband on a dating site. You suggested he send an anonymous message. Even more upsetting are disturbing messages sent anonymously.
A kinder thing would be to tell him the facts without judgment: “I recognized that someone was using your husband’s photo on a dating site. You and he should check this out to see who is using it. No presumption that the husband is guilty. And never speak of it again.
Drive: Very good advice. THANKS.
© 2024 by Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency.
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