dear Amy: My boyfriend and I are 22 years old. We have been dating for almost four years.
We both used marijuana daily (before we met). Our use of the pot was a way to bond and get to know each other, while enjoying life. After a year of dating, I decided to quit smoking and focus on my studies. After going to college and getting a degree, I don’t want to continue this habit.
My boyfriend continues to smoke daily. I don’t mind that I can’t do this with him, but I don’t want him to do this for the rest of his life. We talked about marriage and starting a family. He says he will stop when we are ready to have children. I thought about our relationship. I never knew him when he was sober.
I asked him to get sober for a short time so we could be together without being under the influence before moving on to the next steps in our lives.
When I told him about it, he got angry and agitated, but I think he’ll be okay with it. Now I hope if he quits he doesn’t start smoking again (although I doubt it). Am I wrong to ask him to do this?
High: When you quit smoking, did you quit for your boyfriend? No, you quit for yourself. It’s obvious that you love the changes sobriety has brought to your life. Now you’re hoping your man will quit his habit for a short time, and worrying about his choices beyond the sobriety he hasn’t even achieved yet.
The questions you need to think about are: what will you do if your boyfriend doesn’t change anything in his life? Can you be with him as is – potty and all?
And do you want him – just as he is – to be your spouse and the father of your children? (August 2012)
dear Amy: My 24 year old daughter graduated from university two years ago and came back to live with me last year.
I realize my daughter is an adult, but we had some trouble with her smoking pot, which I don’t allow in my house.
My daughter works part time and has her own money. She recently moved upstairs and spent a lot of time with a 60-year-old sister-in-law who lives in our building.
One night she came back from a visit, and she was so stoned that her eyes were barely open and her speech was impaired. I confronted her and she confirmed that they were smoking weed together.
I don’t think a 60 year old woman should smoke weed with my 24 year old daughter. This woman is a bad influence. Should I confront her? She knows that I have been concerned about my daughter’s drug use and her recent behavioral changes, including her laziness.
I don’t care what that other person does, but I do care that they encouraged my daughter to use drugs that kept her from taking a urine test for a permanent job.
Concerning: You seem determined to confront the wrong person about your daughter’s drug use. Your daughter will find someone to smoke weed with as long as she uses it, whether it’s a family member, friend or co-worker. His behavior is the immediate problem in your home.
You seem to assume that a 60 year old man should “know better”, but age does not confer wisdom – or moderation.
I shared your letter with Charles Rubin, author of “Don’t Let Your Kids Kill You: A Guide for Parents of Drug and Alcohol Addicted Children.” Rubin says, “You have to take a stronger line and tell him to get a full-time job or work full-time by a specific deadline. Say to him: ‘If you smoke, of course you will not be able to have this job, and I will no longer be able to offer you accommodation.’ Give it a deadline and respect it calmly. In addition to preserving your own personality and your health, you have the possibility of influencing it by your example. (September 2012)
©2022 by Amy Dickinson distributed by Tribune Content Agency
