After hearing this, I picked up the phone and called my father to ask for an explanation and an apology. His wife answered the phone and I admit I didn’t hold back. (I called her a “rotten slut.”) I then told my dad, only for him to lash out at me. I hung up on him and ended up writing him a long letter explaining my position. I demanded an apology or I never wanted to hear from him again. Since then, I haven’t heard from him.
Also, I guess my wife followed his wife’s suggestion, because she ended up divorcing me, while my father is still married to his “prize” of a human being. Go figure. My father is now in palliative care. He refuses to see me or talk to me because of the way I spoke to his wife. I want to see him one last time and let him know that I love him.
I can’t stand his wife and believe that she plays a role in manipulating his decision to exclude me. What should I do?
Son: You blame your father’s wife for everything that happened. However, you appear to have triggered subsequent events by denouncing her, using unacceptable (and unforgettable) language. Of course your father defended her! What choice did he have? (And isn’t it possible that your ex-wife invented or inflated what she reported to you?)
After your assault, you further shut down your father by demanding an apology and exposing your non-negotiable, without addressing your own unfortunate behavior. You let this go on for years.
I suggest you go to your father immediately to try to make peace with him before it is too late. You should calm down and apologize to his wife (she probably controls access), apologize to him and do everything you can to reconcile.
Dear Amy: Our youngest son is transgender. Our daughter refuses to include him in family gatherings unless he has his old name and gender. I agree to their separate vacations because my daughter and her husband have young children and they don’t want to explain anything to them about transgender issues. This is often the only time my husband and I are invited to see the grandchildren. If I insisted that my daughter accept her (now male) brother, I think we would no longer be included as well.
I feel like a coward and it’s hard to have separate family vacations. We would be happy to receive your thoughts.
— Sad mother and grandmother
Sad mother: Your son can’t “wear” his old name and gender because life isn’t a costume party. He shouldn’t have to dress up as a woman to be able to be in his sister’s living room. Your daughter has created an alternate reality for herself and her children in which your son does not exist. She decided to delete it. And you accepted that. It’s not a parent’s proudest moment.
I think you should let your daughter know that you are sincerely sorry that this is so difficult for her, but that her choice has caused you a lot of grief and that you cannot write off one child to admit another.
Dear Amy: “Uncertain” wrote to you that they discovered they were half-siblings with a brother through genetic testing. The mother later confirmed they were conceived through IVF. You wondered if they were actually half-siblings, but genetic testing of one person would reveal DNA relationships to everyone.
Necessary: Many readers have had problems with both the question and my answer. My hypothesis was that the true DNA relationship between siblings would only be revealed if the sibling also submitted to testing. My apologies for the confusion.
© 2024 by Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency.
