Dear Amy: A few years ago, I submitted my DNA to an ancestry site. Last year, I received an email from a recently discovered son, “Joe”. Joe was adopted at birth and received little information about his mother, although she left reports that the father (me) was unaware of the pregnancy. (I was in university at the time. I am 70 years old).
Joe’s DNA test confirmed my fatherly relationship. I welcomed the information and established a long distance relationship (as did my wife and other children).
I am now fairly certain of the identity of Joe’s biological mother. I wanted to get her permission before revealing her name to Joe, but I found out that she passed away several years ago.
Through research on the Internet, I discovered the names of his other children, all born after Joe.
I think I can now tell Joe everything I know, so that he can perhaps learn more about his birth mother (and possibly receive a valuable medical history) through his other children. He might suggest that they submit their DNA to confirm the relationship.
Your thoughts?
– Dad DNA
Dad DNA: You are really motivated to help your son, but – rather than speculating on the identity of his biological mother, exposing a group of strangers to the shock of this (potentially incorrect) information, you should advise him to go first in the county where he was born and is applying to the court for access to his own adoption records (his adoptive parents may want to help him).
People who register to have their DNA tested and enter a database do so with a certain awareness that they might be in reserve for a few surprises. In my (limited) circle, I know several men (like you) who discovered – or were discovered – by offspring. And, like you, everyone seems to have welcomed this news.
Persons placing children for adoption also have the legal right to their own privacy. They have tackled a very painful dilemma, which is far from yours.
“Joe” should go through legal channels. He must also be patient – because, given the ubiquity of these DNA databases, it is likely that he will receive more “pings” and notifications that he has additional DNA matches.
I could advise you towards a more proactive disclosure if Joe were to face a serious hereditary disease, but that doesn’t seem to be the case here.
Dear Amy: A few weeks before Christmas, my oldest son called to tell him that his family was planning to go home after Christmas.
I was delighted because the last time my three sons were together for this celebration was over 10 years ago, and never since all the grandchildren were born.
The only problem was a very big condition: they had to have a “quiet” place in the house for her mother-in-law, who lives with them.
She is bipolar and needs sleep.
We live in a small three-story house, and I didn’t know how it would work!
The MIL also could not go to the family of her son or her husband (a very strange situation).
We didn’t know what to do, so we offered to give them the house – they could divide the three rooms as they wished, and we would stay in a hotel.
Well, they did not come. It was very sad for me.
Do you think we were offline?
– Sad mom and Nana
Sad mom and babe: Giving your entire home to this group was not out of place – it was very generous. You should assume that your son simply could not cope with the prospect of evicting you from your home during the visit.
I hope you can approach this with compassion towards this family. Yes, you are sad that they could not visit. But they have a lot on their plate, and it looks like they are doing their best.
Dear Amy: As a Grammy six times, I appreciated your response to the “loving grandmother”, who asked questions about the discipline of grandchildren in her home.
Yes, we need to tighten up parenting rules and play as a team for the kids.
As a retired teacher and school principal, I question the specific sentence provided. A child has damaged a book. The treats were refused. Eating has nothing to do with being irresponsible with objects. Appropriate punishment would be for the child to do additional tasks and work with the parents to replace the disfigured book.
– Grammy GoGo
Grammy GoGo: Absolutely. Thanks for the insight.
Dear Amy: A few years ago, I submitted my DNA to an ancestry site. Last year, I received an email from a recently discovered son, “Joe”. Joe was adopted at birth and received little information about his mother, although she left reports that the father (me) was unaware of the pregnancy. (I was in university at the time. I am 70 years old).
Joe’s DNA test confirmed my fatherly relationship. I welcomed the information and established a long distance relationship (as did my wife and other children).
I am now fairly certain of the identity of Joe’s biological mother. I wanted to get her permission before revealing her name to Joe, but I found out that she passed away several years ago.
Through research on the Internet, I discovered the names of his other children, all born after Joe.
I think I can now tell Joe everything I know, so that he can perhaps learn more about his birth mother (and possibly receive a valuable medical history) through his other children. He might suggest that they submit their DNA to confirm the relationship.
Your thoughts?
– Dad DNA
Dad DNA: You are really motivated to help your son, but – rather than speculating on the identity of his biological mother, exposing a group of strangers to the shock of this (potentially incorrect) information, you should advise him to go first in the county where he was born and is applying to the court for access to his own adoption records (his adoptive parents may want to help him).
People who register to have their DNA tested and enter a database do so with a certain awareness that they might be in reserve for a few surprises. In my (limited) circle, I know several men (like you) who discovered – or were discovered – by offspring. And, like you, everyone seems to have welcomed this news.
Persons placing children for adoption also have the legal right to their own privacy. They have tackled a very painful dilemma, which is far from yours.
“Joe” should go through legal channels. He must also be patient – because, given the ubiquity of these DNA databases, it is likely that he will receive more “pings” and notifications that he has additional DNA matches.
I could advise you towards a more proactive disclosure if Joe were to face a serious hereditary disease, but that doesn’t seem to be the case here.
Dear Amy: A few weeks before Christmas, my oldest son called to tell him that his family was planning to go home after Christmas.
I was delighted because the last time my three sons were together for this celebration was over 10 years ago, and never since all the grandchildren were born.
The only problem was a very big condition: they had to have a “quiet” place in the house for her mother-in-law, who lives with them.
She is bipolar and needs sleep.
We live in a small three-story house, and I didn’t know how it would work!
The MIL also could not go to the family of her son or her husband (a very strange situation).
We didn’t know what to do, so we offered to give them the house – they could divide the three rooms as they wished, and we would stay in a hotel.
Well, they did not come. It was very sad for me.
Do you think we were offline?
– Sad mom and Nana
Sad mom and babe: Giving your entire home to this group was not out of place – it was very generous. You should assume that your son simply could not cope with the prospect of evicting you from your home during the visit.
I hope you can approach this with compassion towards this family. Yes, you are sad that they could not visit. But they have a lot on their plate, and it looks like they are doing their best.
Dear Amy: As a Grammy six times, I appreciated your response to the “loving grandmother”, who asked questions about the discipline of grandchildren in her home.
Yes, we need to tighten up parenting rules and play as a team for the kids.
As a retired teacher and school principal, I question the specific sentence provided. A child has damaged a book. The treats were refused. Eating has nothing to do with being irresponsible with objects. Appropriate punishment would be for the child to do additional tasks and work with the parents to replace the disfigured book.
– Grammy GoGo
Grammy GoGo: Absolutely. Thanks for the insight.
