My girlfriend wants me to have a relationship with her family (and so do I), but these child-centered blocks are like torture to me. How can I explain that I don’t want to go out with his young nieces without upsetting the balance?
Without children: These young parents are very busy with their children. Since that’s basically the definition of being a parent, you have to accept that it’s their life, their choice, and probably their greatest joy. Even people who love children and enjoy being with them can find it quite torturous to spend Saturday mornings at the ball pit or Gymboree with children who are not related to them.
Your girlfriend is these children’s aunt. She is heavily invested in this relationship. But you’re not, and you don’t need to be. You’ve tried coming up with other activities that would be more fun for you, but for these family members, Saturday mornings aren’t about you.
If you want to get to know these parents better, you can ask them if they can find a babysitter one evening so that you adults can socialize together. I wonder if your girlfriend is testing the waters to gauge how happy you really are about not having kids. I suggest you be completely transparent about this.
Dear Amy: Over the past four years, I’ve suffered a series of hard blows (the bad breakup of a long-term relationship, covid-19, then losing my job). Even before that, I suffered from depression and executive dysfunction. Over the past few months, my parents, who live nearly 1,000 kilometers from me, have become increasingly concerned about me. Mainly because I live alone. I have spoken with my therapist about this and we are taking steps to address their concerns.
My mother “gave a warning,” so to speak, to my two older siblings. My sister lives a few miles from me, but we only talk or meet up a few times a year. This has been the case for about 15 years. My brother and I never talk. We’re not separated or anything, but we were never really close, even when we were kids. We barely talk at family functions.
Now my brother is coming to my area soon with his young son. He texted me asking if I wanted to meet them. He made this trip a few years ago with his eldest and I only found out about it after they left. I know (well, I strongly suspect) that he only asked to see me because my parents (mainly our mother) insisted that he do so.
Am I wrong for not being particularly interested or motivated to meet you? Is it just me who finds his offer a bit disingenuous?
— I’m really good
Going well: When it comes to family relationships, the motivations are many, varied and slippery. Sometimes we visit our parents because we feel guilty, endure birthday parties out of obligation, or attend awkward Thanksgiving parties for the sake of family unity. And sometimes we try to renew a dormant sibling relationship because our parents ask us to.
So yes, your brother’s efforts to reach out may actually be disingenuous or due to pressure from your mother, but your mutual obligation (his to reach out, yours to accept) could lead to something surprising and positive.
Dear Amy: “Demanding Gram» wanted her teenage granddaughter to keep her room cleaner when she visited. I liked your suggestions (especially “close the door”), but I would add that this grandmother needs to make sure the room is suitable for the teenager’s visit. Is there a closet? Is there room in the desk drawers and enough space on the bedside table for the girl’s things?
Very often, hosts do not realize that their “guest” rooms are actually storage spaces for the house.
Experimented: Excellent point. THANKS.
© 2024 by Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency.
