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The star of Shipwrecked and Tom Hanks.
The truth is, Tom, we never had any luck.
I did not choose my name. And you, I’m sure, didn’t know Shipwrecked would inevitably lead to half of the people I have met since I called out “Wiiiiiiiilsssoooooon” when I met.
It was this film, which I refused to see, that caused irreparable damage to our once promising relationship. It left me thinking about ways to justify my disgust for you as you become more and more worshiped by the masses.
When I was little, you were like an uncle to me. In no time I would see you, I laughed with you. I cried with you. I admired you.
This film changed every interaction I have with new people. I can see it in their eyes when I introduce myself. They think of this beach, of blood on volleyball. They’ve heard my name before and must say it. They have to shout it out.
And then they have to ask me, “Do you understand that a lot?”
Yes.
Because everyone who meets me thinks of that face on volleyball, every time I see you, I think of all their faces laughing at their bad joke.
It’s a seed of annoyance that gets disgusted with each new film, with each SNL monologue, every time you try to take on the role of an American dad. Your face is everywhere. And it doesn’t help that you always play the hero – Tom Hanks like Sully, Tom Hanks like Captain Phillips, Tom Hanks like Mr. Rogers.
Ugh.
“How can you not love Tom Hanks? What’s wrong with you?” the people say. I dig into my heels and give a few explanations on how I just don’t like all of your stuff, how you try too hard to be loved, how hypocritical it sounds.
No one else can understand why I avoid your movies. It is as if I had been alone on an island with no one around me to understand myself. But I am writing to tell you that all my excuses for avoiding you are gone.
You were the first celebrity to contract the coronavirus and you managed it like a real hero. I see titles about donating your blood to help develop a vaccine. When an 8 year old boy named Corona wrote to you because he was being bullied for his name, you said, “You have a friend in me.”
It’s so sweet it makes me want to throw up. That made me feel like a fool to think that I have an unlucky first name. But I’m ready to give up. You completely disarmed me.
Maybe now I’m finally ready to watch Shipwrecked. ♦
