Over the years, I can’t help but think of his wife. When I think about the abuse this man did to me, I wonder about her and what kind of abuse she suffered at his hands. I understand they are still married. Sometimes I feel the need to reach out to her and tell her that she is not alone in her struggle. I want to tell him about all the horrible things this man did to me and share the knowledge I’ve gained about all his other adventures over the years. I want to tell him that he threatened to kill me.
I want to do this because I want to see her come out of the place where I narrowly escaped, and I want her to feel validated. I want to hear that she found happiness outside of this hell. My biggest problem is that I don’t know if I feel this way because I want revenge on this man, or because I want to alleviate the damage I may have caused to their marriage, or because I truly feel a connection with this woman. I never met. I don’t even know how I could contact her without her husband knowing, if I ever decided to do so.
If your suggestion is to not reach out, I would like some advice on how to reframe my abuse, my guilt and I need to know that she is okay. I am still married; this affair gave me everything I needed to understand and appreciate that my husband is a true gem of a man.
— Fraternity or revenge?
Brotherhood or revenge? : It has been many years since your affair with her husband. He had many sexual relationships and only one of them was with you. They have been married for many years; it is unlikely that she has no idea of her husband’s infidelity.
So my question is: who do you think will gain anything from you contacting their wife about your affair? Do you expect her to experience some sort of awakening that will suddenly and miraculously allow her to stand up to him, or free her from her marriage? Really? Has it occurred to you that perhaps she has resigned herself to her infidelity and the benefits she might gain from her marriage?
You deny her the right to make choices for herself by assuming that she needs a stranger (who has wronged her) to save her from her miserable life. My suggestion to you is to find a therapist to discuss this with. This will allow you to unburden your conscience without harming anyone.
Brotherhood or revenge? : Don’t reach out. I say this because it probably won’t help him and will bring you back into his orbit. She needs the support of people who will be there for her for the long haul and that can’t be you.
If this still haunts you, I would suggest a support group (since therapists are always on hand), and perhaps you could find a way to volunteer to help others in abusive relationships.
Brotherhood or revenge? : The only solution for now is to sit with your impulses until you understand what your motivation is. You say a lot of great things about validation and empowerment, but this seems very clear and like a well-finished movie. It’s just not realistic. Is your desire to reach out a way to repair the pain your wife and husband are experiencing? Are you looking to create an unmistakable distinction between the person you were with? A sort of rebalancing of the karmic debt? If so, don’t do it.
You deal with the consequences and guilt yourself with a good therapist. You don’t need to know how she’s doing. You might want to, but it’s not a necessity. Other things to consider: Are you willing to take the risk of allowing this man back into your life? Does your desire to help his wife stop at holding her hand? Turning someone’s world upside down and then walking away could create even more harm. Are their children adults and have they left home or are they still minors? Is your impulse honoring your marriage?
I congratulate you on escaping an abusive relationship. I know how hard it is. Contact the Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-7233) to see what they suggest. The people who can really help are those who have the resources to do so. This is what she needs.
Brotherhood or revenge? : Don’t force her to make a decision she might not want to make. You know the man, but you don’t know anything about her, like why she made choices or how she would react. I understand your guilt, but all you can do is move on.
If she ever contacts you and asks for details, tell her the truth. And all you can do for YOUR husband is continue to appreciate him. Trust me. Having been a mess in my twenties, I will never forgive myself for some of the things I did, but I can be a better person now. That’s all any of us can do.
Each week we ask readers to answer a question submitted to Carolyn Hax’s live chat or email. Read last week’s article here. New questions are typically posted on Thursdays, with a submission deadline on Monday. Responses are anonymous unless you choose to identify yourself and are edited for length and clarity.
