Throughout her childhood, Leina Hsu never found it strange that her parents chose to sleep in separate bedrooms. It wasn’t until she began to see how couples were portrayed on television that she began to recognize the practice as unusual.
After that, Hsu, a Chinese-American writer and student at Georgetown University, began to feel the stigma of her parents’ sleeping arrangements whenever she confided in her peers.
“Whenever a friend visited my house, I felt the need to explain and justify the situation of my parents’ room before they saw the layout of our house,” she says. Although his friends tried to appear in solidarity, “some of them could not hide their shock or surprise.”
Couples who sleep separately have become increasingly common: a 2012 Better Sleep Council survey and a 2017 National Sleep Foundation survey both showed that one in four couples now sleep in separate beds. But “there is still shame for some people because of the taboo on the subject,” says Dr. Meir Kryger, professor of medicine at Yale School of Medicine and author of “The Principles and Practice of Sleep Medicine. “.
Kryger says no couple should feel embarrassed by this practice: “For many couples, sleeping separately can be the best thing for their relationship.” However, experts agree that sleeping separately has an impact on the family as a whole, and it’s important for parents to consider sleep arrangements with their children.
Kryger has met families where children have experienced embarrassment, insecurities, or worries due to their parents’ sleeping arrangements.
“Some children even wondered if their parents’ decision to sleep separately meant they didn’t love each other anymore,” he says.
Parents may also fear unhealthy behavior or that their children will one day want to sleep the same way apart from their partner.
“The effects of sleeping in separate rooms can be extremely positive for a relationship, extremely negative for a relationship, or anything in between,” says Manhattan psychologist Dr. Joseph Cilona, who explains that everything comes down to why the couple want to sleep. apart in the first place. “Each couple should examine and discuss their thoughts, feelings and needs around this issue clearly and specifically to find a mutually satisfactory compromise.”
Some common reasons couples sleep separately include snoring, restlessness, parasomnia, frequent trips to the bathroom, or inconsistent sleep schedules.
Kryger says, “No research suggests that couples who sleep separately in order to sleep better have fewer romantic relationships than couples who share a bed.”
Another point Kryger made was that parents who sleep separately can alleviate their children’s worries about the strength of their bond by showing their love in other ways.
“Children who regularly observe their parents holding hands, complimenting each other or cuddling up to each other on the sofa will see any insecurities they have felt dissipate quickly,” he says.
Of course, sometimes sleeping separately is a disconnect.
“There are couples for whom the decision to sleep separately is a sign that something is wrong with the relationship,” says Wendy Troxel, behavior specialist at RAND Corp. and author of “Sharing the Covers: Every Couple’s Guide to Better Sleep.”
Kryger adds that if a couple’s desire to sleep apart stems from romantic disconnection or marital problems, “parents shouldn’t mince words or send mixed messages to children.”
He also says there is hope for couples who sleep separately due to a sleep mismatch and may want to start sleeping in the same bed or bedroom again.
“Almost every sleep problem has a solution,” he says. “Many solutions are quite simple; other times, couples should seek professional help. ”
Parents who are concerned that their decision to sleep separately could negatively impact their children should consider the long-term strain of unhappily sharing a bed, Cilona says.
“Incompatible sleep schedules have been associated with relationship difficulties and higher divorce rates,” he says, adding that adults are “not that different from children” in how lack of sleep affects our behavior towards others.
While Troxel says there is very little research on how children are affected by their parents’ sleep arrangements, the “growing tendency of couples to choose to sleep separately” indicates that “it will become a problem that more families may have to resolve “. Troxel says such conversations should be open and honest, age appropriate and realistic.
“Explain to the child that families are different in many ways,” she said, adding that for some families, “parents sleep better when they sleep separately, and healthy sleep is really important.”
Ultimately, even the youngest children understand the importance of a good night’s sleep – and older children can even see the wisdom of their parents choosing less orthodox sleep arrangements.
A conclusion Hsu says she came to herself: “My parents who slept separately demonstrated to me that they had enough confidence in their relationship that they were ready to deviate from the normative path.”
